Maybe I was a fool

Maybe I was a fool. Coming here, trying to find something new. What does it all matter? I’m still the same, the same monster, stitched and mangled. I still have to hide my face, I still have to skulk and take the insults and the jeers and the hate. And for what? Those were all the things I wanted to get away from.
All I wanted was to not be alone. I wanted companions, love, respect, happiness, the fundaments of a fulfilled life. All I got was a curse and a fistful of change. Rage has given me no satisfaction, as I know not what to rage at.
I feel now, more than ever, that I have lost. It’s over. Everything, from birth to now has been torturous. Every time I try to move forward, to better myself, to reach out, has always ended in disaster. I could live my life in secret, skulking and keeping to shadows, but that is no life I want to live. I wanted to live like the people I see out in the streets do. They don’t live half-lives. They take the world by the throat and wring what they want from it.
But I wonder, don’t I, in a way, deserve this? Have I brought this upon myself, through crimes and through vengeance? Many of you have guessed that my past is not quite as clean and that I am not merely a victim.
It shames me to say that you are right. I am not guiltless, and by my name I am cursed. I am a slave to impulse, to rage, to my own stupid naivety. I am afraid of the world, afraid of fire, afraid of being hated.
God, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can stay here, but I don’t know if I can even muster up the strength to go. Should I stay here and rebuild, or should I go back, and confront the source, the very thing I fled from? I’ll be leaving all the things I have here, and God knows I won’t be able to Shelley with me. She’ll have to be abandoned again…
I had a dream, readers. Was that so terrible? All I wanted was to be loved, to have friends,  to laugh as other men do and not be pointed at in horror.  I wanted to be a man, with all a man’s hopes and dreams, and what did I get?  Failure, shame, the monster I really am bubbled to the surface.
I look to your kind words and think, maybe there is hope for me yet.  Maybe I could rise to be more than the monster I am.  But then I remember that life isn’t a story.  Life isn’t fair, and no one ever said it was.  Some need to suffer so that other men might live their lives.  I guess I was only ever meant to be a monster.  I’m sorry, friends, you have meant the world to me.  I’m going to keep trying, and someday soon I might finally claw my way from this blackness I find myself in.   Until then,

You are all beautiful people.

7 Responses to “Maybe I was a fool”

  1. QXZenith Says:

    Dear Adam,

    I know it might feel like the endgame. But never give up, Adam.

    I’ll be honest, for once: I don’t know who you were, what you did, before you came here. But you know what? I don’t care. Because since you came, since you started this blog, I have gotten to know you, and the Adam I have gotten to know is a good, bright, compassionate human being. Never let anyone, anything, make you forget that.

    I can’t give you happiness or fulfillment, Adam; that’s not in my power. But I can tell you this: You have love. You have respect. These things are yours and cannot be lost, cannot be taken.

    I know wherever life takes you, you will make the most of it. You will persevere, Adam, and I know you will succeed. You won’t, however, rise to be more than a monster– because you have already done that. You have already risen.

    You, too, are a beautiful person.

    Love,
    Qara-Xuan

  2. Sicon Says:

    Adam, I know I haven’t talked to you at all, but I’ve kept an eye on you with all of my friends, to make sure things were going well. I just wanted to tell you something.

    Yeah, I know this world is screwed up. It’s always the same wherever you go. However, never let that stop you. You have strength, right? You have massive stores of knowledge that even I may not ever match, right? Then stand up to the whole world if you have to! Find your wish, your ultimate desire, and then go for it! Don’t let one, two, three, or however many failures slow you down. When you make a mistake, acknowledge it, learn from it, and come back next time to do it better! Even if you think what you wish is impossible, don’t ever slow down. Keep on moving forward, one step at a time, growing and becoming stronger and stronger with every moment, getting ever closer to your goal! Some people say it would be futile, but I say that if you strive for something true and good, even if you never reach it, the only thing that matters is that you sought it with everything you had. In the end, you won’t regret your actions, because they weren’t wrong.

    So stand up, face your fears, fight your demons, and walk through the dark of your past, and always remember that as long as we exist, no matter how far away from us you seem, we are always there at your back, cheering you on! We will show you the way, and though you may face trouble as you go, we have faith in you, faith that you can overcome the hate that holds you back.

    ~Sicon

    P.S. Don’t worry about the cat. We wouldn’t deprive a kitty of her human, now would we? ;)

  3. Adell Says:

    It’s OKAY to be afraid, Adam. In fact, it’s very human to be afraid. A Monster is something that doesn’t feel, doesn’t regret. It doesn’t have dreams and it doesn’t feel sad when it fails. A person does though, and like Sicon says, a person learns from these things and keeps trying.

    You are not a monster, Adam. Plain and simple.

  4. theimprobableone Says:

    I just want to inform you that I’ve done what I can to try to help you.

    Everyone deserves a second chance, a shot at happiness and forgiveness. I’ve grown fond of you and I wish you the best.

    And you don’t know for sure that you can’t take Shelley with you. I’m very strongly hoping you can, and in fact that’s part of the plan I came up with. I’d be terribly disappointed if that part didn’t work out.

  5. Bug Says:

    None of us care who you were, Adam. We care about who you are now. We care about the eloquent, intelligent man who took in a homeless cat and who did the hardest thing anyone can possibly do by sharing a part of himself in the form of story. Even if it was thrown back in his face by those who claim to have authority on such things, we still appreciated it. We’re many of us writers here. We udnerstand how hard that was.

    Perhaps you aren’t guilt free, but I believe real life is not bound by karma. It’s true that every action has consequences, and perhaps you have yet to face your own, but the universe does not play at balancing all our mercies and injustices on a set of scales to make sure everything is equal. Sometimes the unvierse is cruel, and we don’t know why. Sometimes people are the cause of that cruelty, other times it seems entirely arbitary: we’re under assault from the world, nature, and each other. But every taken in cat from a shelter, every written word, ever voice shouting out into the dark, has meaning, and serves to lighten the darkness that we’re all forced to walk through at some point or another.

    You have spoken to us, and by being here, you have made a difference to us. We owe you that. You are NOT a monster. No more than any other human being.

    I don’t have your eloquence, so I’m going to borrow words now from a man who does: This is not a game, and here and now, you are alive. Take comfort in it. Tomorrow’s coming.

  6. fishtowater Says:

    I’ll avoid the wall of texts much loved by my compatriots. They serve their purpose, but for now it suffices to say that I view you as a hero. You struggle greatly, but always seem to triumph. I think that you are beautiful too. :)

  7. Genndy Oda C.O.G. Says:

    Fare thee well, Adam Frankenstein.